The Fine Art of Holding your Tongue When Dealing with a Narcissist in Court

Just STFU. I say this with all good intentions, kindness, and love.  I lived through a five-year custody battle with a royal narcissist, so I feel your pain.  I know first hand how maddening dealing with a narcissist can be, especially post separation and the post-separation abuse that usually ensues.  I empathize with all of you out there battling for the health, safety, and welfare of your children and yourself. In an effort to maximize your success, please heed this warning, no matter how much you ache to verbally stand your ground.  This is one instance where it simply does not work and worse, it might backfire against you.

The stories I have heard from devastated clients are too many to remember. The countless emails, texts, and social media posts I have seen that make me cringe because survivors engage the narcissist. I find myself yelling at the screen on my laptop, “Just STFU! It’s a trap!” I get it, I really do. You want to be validated, heard, you’re angry, frustrated and devastated. You are desperate! If they could just hear you out, they might understand, right? Nope. The narcissist does not have the ability for empathy.  No amount of pleading, explaining, begging, heart-felt discussions will change that. Stop acting like they think like “normal” people. In their delusional world they are right and you are wrong 100% of the time. Nothing you say will change their belief.  Even worse, you are feeding the monster.  The narcissist requires attention.  A running IV drip of it.  It can be good attention, it can be bad, it can be angry, it can be grape flavored. It does not matter, any kind works. Of course it works for them, not you!  Your words and attention are making the narcissist grow into the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (or woman). Stop voluntarily feeding the narcissist.

Especially if you are going through any legal proceedings (child custody cases, domestic violence restraining order, etc.), it is imperative you severely limit or completely avoid interacting with the narcissist. Here is the short list of why going head-to-head with a person who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is futile.

  • Everything you say, text, blog, Tweet, email, etc. will be recorded/screenshot to be used against you. Further, it will be taken out of context. The narcissist will antagonize you until you have a vile reaction (which we both know is justified), but will only show the part of the text/recording where you had the reaction. Anyone reading it out of context will think you sound like someone who belongs in a straight jacket. Keep in mind, during court proceedings, there is rarely time to explain your side of the exchange.

  • The narcissist is shameless. They will stoop to the lowest levels. Levels you haven’t even thought of yet. They will say and do anything. It will catch you by surprise by how low they go. Do not react. Talk to your trusted friends and family members. Talk to a therapist or life coach trained in narcissistic abuse. Write in a journal. Rage by yourself, in your car, with the music turned up loud. Whatever you do, do not react.

  • They are masters of manipulation and triangulation. The more ammunition you give them, the more they will twist and use your words against you.

  • They are actively waging a smear campaign against you and you don’t even know it. The narcissist is, at this moment, talking up your friends, family, neighbors, and even casual acquaintances…and not in a nice way. Defending yourself will only be seen as proof that you are crazy and they are the victim.

  • Individuals with NPD chose you for a reason. They are predatory and can sense when someone is good, kind, and loving. They will capitalize on your good nature and willingness to please. When you respond to a narcissist, they smell blood in the water and strike like a shark. You are coming from a good place, they are not.

  • Narcissists are vampires. Instead of sucking your blood, they attempt to suck your soul through the words you give them. Their life force is attention. Don’t fall for it.

  • The narcissist does not care about your child(ren). They will use them as pawns to hurt you and make you suffer. They may even attempt to gain sole custody. Do not panic and do not react! This is part of their crusty playbook. They are looking to hurt you and elicit a reaction out of you. What more vicious a response could you imagine than a (healthy) parent reacting to having their child(ren) put in harms way? Or worse yet, the threat of having a child(ren) taken away? They are banking on this and waiting with bated breath for your reaction. They will attempt to make you the villain in the eyes of the court. Do not flinch.

  • Be very careful of who you trust. Those very same people who you thought were friends may be recruited to testify against you. Keep a small group of “safe” family and friends. Outside of that circle, do not share details of your case or details of your former relationship with the narcissist. If you do not share outside of your trusted circle, there will be nothing of relevance anyone can testify to.

  • Under no circumstances turn to social media to tell your story. I promise it will bite you in the ass. Yes, it feels good to repost that meme. It feels good to share your story. It feels great to post pictures of what a great time you are having at the club with your friends (maybe he’s getting jealous.) Maybe an Instagram post of you and your bestie having a margarita. It feels amazing to post pictures with just you, your children, and your new “friend”. I promise you every post, every picture, every Pin will be entered into evidence on how you are publicly demeaning your ex. It will be used to show you are a drunk party animal. It will be entered into evidence that you are waging a campaign to alienate your children from your ex. “Silence is golden” has never applied more!

The main take away is that you can’t regret what you don’t say.  Of course, you want justice. You want everyone to hear and understand your side of the story.  You want to be heard.  You want validation.  You need a reality check to ensure you aren’t the crazy one!  Engaging the a narcissist will only worsen all of these feelings. They will never apologize or admit wrongdoing, they simply don’t work that way. So how do you respond, when you must respond? It takes discipline. Engage only when necessary, stick to facts, keep it as short as possible, and keep it as boring as possible. Nothing more. If you do not have children with the narcissist, consider yourself lucky. It is in your best interest never to contact your ex narcissist again.  If you do have children and you are sharing custody, stay off the phone.  If possible, keep all exchanges via email or text and save all of your text exchanges for your own evidence.  You would be surprised how much evidence you can gather against your abuser.  The quieter you remain, the angrier they get and the better chance you’ll have capturing one of their unhinged rages!

Sending you strength, light, and love.

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