A Beginners Guide to Spotting Red Flags

Everything is always so much clearer looking back.  When we are in the thick of things we tend to make excuses for our partners. We cover up their behaviors with kitty litter and pretend it’s “pine fresh”.  Still, our gut tells us it's a stinking turd.  You don’t want to see it.  I didn’t want to see it!  Nobody wants to see it because if you do, you have the sinking feeling that you’re going to have to do something about it. ( I will discuss this in future posts.)  So we wander through life pretending everything is okie dokie.

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder will often become combative, defensive, argumentative, and even sadistic when confronted.  They will deflect, project, deny, lie, bamboozle, blame shift, and change the narrative to the point that you may start to believe their story (a.k.a. gaslighting)

In life’s beautiful, winding, weird, I-can’t-see-around-the-corner path keep your eyes open for red flags. I don’t mean stand guard like a meerkat 24/7, but definitely keep the red flag app running in the background of your brain. Here is a list of some of the bigger red flags. This list is by no means comprehensive.  Think of it more like Family Feud’s 100 people surveyed and the top ten answers are below.

1.  Your partner will try to convince you your friends are a “bad influence,” or that your mother is “evil.”  They will talk smack about any and all of your relationships in an attempt isolate you.  Be careful, this can be a slow, insidious process.  They may even act quite charming in front of the person they were most recently berating.

2.  Your partner is charming.  On the surface, they seem friendly, outgoing, and generous.  They appear confident in themselves.  They will often sound like they have the same hopes and dreams as you do.  They do this in the beginning stages of a relationship to “hook” you.

3.  The beginning of your relationship seems like too much, too soon.  After one month of dating, are you already talking about moving in together?  Does he/she want to meet your family, like now? Are the romantic texts coming in faster than you can respond to them?

4.  Your partner will often act inappropriately.  Revealing intimate details to acquaintances, telling overly sexual jokes in mixed company, making sexual comments to the opposite sex, leering, getting overly touchy feely with friends’ spouses.  Will often flirt with others in front of your face.  Tip:  It’s happening behind your back too!

5.  Your partner projects.  Instead of getting caught up defending yourself, pay close attention to what your partner is saying.  Chances are what they are accusing you of is exactly what they are doing.  For example, if he/she accuses you of cheating, flirting, spending money frivolously, you can bet they are guilty

6.  He/she puts their needs above everyone else’s, including you and your children.  There is no one more important in the room than the narcissist.

7.  Upon close examination, your partner does not have any real close relationships other than with you.  They may have many acquaintances, but we’re talking real, long-term relationships. They will tell you their parents and siblings treat them poorly.  Any so-called friends are from the distant past and have moved away.  Their ex is a “psycho”.  Their last job was abusive.  They have lost touch with their school friends.  Socially, they are great at the short-term game.  Long-term relationships are difficult for them to maintain.

8.  They are shameless. They are unbothered by being called out out on a lie. They can quickly shift gears, deflect and change the narrative in an instant.

9.  Love bombing, withdrawal cycle, or whirlwind romance.  They will overwhelm you with praise, adoration, wax poetic, buy you lavish gifts, and make you feel like you are the only person in the universe. They will tell you that they have never met anyone like you and make you feel unique and special. As soon as you are hooked, they go dark. They will withdraw and ghost you for days or weeks leaving you to wonder what went wrong. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

10.  They will run smear campaigns. You were chosen because there is something really amazing about you.  Like vampires, they want to suck it out since they, themselves, do not possess those traits.  Behind your back, they will sabotage you to make sure you do not get any accolades or attention for being you.

These are just the top 10 answers.  The reality is that there are dozens more that could be added to the list.  If you are experiencing any of the above, it might be time to explore Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) a little further.  Identifying NPD in any of your relationships is a great start to avoiding the devastation that comes along with being in a toxic relationship.

Sending you strength, light, and love.