Supporting your Kids Through Narcissistic Abuse

As we parents try to process the trauma from narcissistic abuse, we use the tools we have in our toolbox and we eagerly look to adopt more. We seek a support system, we read books on abuse, we talk to mental health experts, and we attempt to practice self-care. However, our kids typically haven’t had the time or experience to build a toolbox of their own. They may not even be able to understand or verbalize their experience. While they may be old enough to be aware that what is happening to them is “bad”, they may not necessarily understand why.  Almost certainly they are not aware of narcissists or narcissistic abuse. This may even be true with your adolescent child. Think about it. How could they? The abusive parent is one of only two parents they’ve ever seen in action.

While untangling our lives from a narcissist it’s easy to become overwhelmed. Our focus is on staying alive. For some, this includes keeping yourself and the children physically safe, finding a job after an extended workforce absence, dealing with a financial crisis, finding safe and adequate housing, trying to wrap your head around the intricacies of narcissistic abuse, entering the unpredictable family court system, making sure you are not being stalked, and worrying about post-separation abuse just to name a (very) few.  Given the current unpredictable family court climate, we may also struggle with what to tell our children, if anything at all. With all of the chaos you are experiencing and the adverse emotions that ensue, it is not uncommon to forget to put yourself in your child’s shoes.  It’s okay. I’ve been there too.  Here are some tips to help you help your child survive the emotional rollercoaster from hell.

Listen: As parents we tend to lecture, offer unsolicited advice, teach rules, discipline and get frustrated with children when they don’t comply.  We, justifiably, get so caught up in our own unfolding tempest, it is far too easy to forget to check in with the littles.  We can start by listening to them without judgment. If they want to talk, let them.  It could be about school, their friends, their latest crush, or video games.  It can even be about the other parent.  Actively listen to what they are saying.  Ask questions, look for clarifications, and just enjoy listening to their preferences, perspectives, and opinions.  They really are insightful and downright hilarious, sometimes.  My only caveat is to refrain from speaking disparagingly about the other parent (I know, this is about as easy as swallowing a bucket filled with shards of glass).  Just let them run with the conversation.  It might seem awkward at first, but with practice, conversations will get easier and become more frequent. Some conversation starters:

“What’s the weirdest thing that happened at school today?”

“Who made you laugh today? Why?”

“What makes your best friend your best friend?”

“What did you dream about last night?”

“What’s the worst thing that happened to you this week?”

Validate, validate, validate.  I know your life is a sizzling dumpster fire right now.  So is theirs. If you are sharing custody of the child, they are now defenseless from the abuser on his/her parenting time. Where once you were able to shield and protect your child, that layer of protection has now vanished. They are at the mercy of the narcissist’s whims, rage, and impetuousness without you as a protective layer; or any adult that really understands what they are experiencing.  Let your kids talk about what they are going through. They likely don’t have anyone else that comprehends the emotional annihilation they are experiencing.  Recognize that their friends/peers will not likely be a good source of support. Like many of your friends, your child’s friends do not understand narcissistic abuse and will often say, “your dad seems so nice,” “your dad must love you so much,” or “your mom seems so cool.”  Thereby invalidating your child’s experience.  Sometimes these same friends will also be manipulated by your narcissistic ex.  The narcissist does a wonderful job of buying lavish gifts/experiences that include your child’s friends. To the outside world it can look like the act of an altruistic, doting parent.  The reality is that this is a manipulation tactic used to ingratiate themselves to your child, your child’s friends, and the parents of your child’s friends.  It also works double duty keeping their facade intact while seamlessly working the smear campaign against you.

I know there is a popular school of thought that suggests we never, ever speak badly about the abusive parent, no matter how abusive they are towards the child.  I’m not suggesting disparaging the other parent. This could easily destroy a custody case, it could permanently damage your relationship with your child, and it could put the child in the position to feel he/she has to pick sides.  I am, however, asking that you separate the abusive parent from the abusive behavior the child is experiencing.  Let them talk about their experience as frequently as they choose.  Keep in mind, this does not give you license to jump in and start badmouthing the other parent, nor is it the time to talk about the narcissist’s abuse towards you.  Keep it about their experience and their feelings, not yours. Whether you want them to or not, they still love the other parent. You can delicately navigate validating their experience by telling them relevant and related stories from your life that could help them relate to what they are experiencing or tell them relevant stories you’ve learned along the way.  This can be done without talking about the other parent.  The point here is not to try to fix the situation. The point is to make your child be heard and understood. Some examples of how to validate their experience:

“That must have been terrible to experience” or

“I think I understand what you’re saying.”

“How did that make you feel?”

“Please know none of this is your fault”

“What are your thoughts about that?”

“It must be really hard to talk about this stuff.”

“I’m so sorry this is happening.”

“Thank you for trusting me to share your experience.”

“How would you have handled that situation?"

Teach coping mechanisms: Along your journey you have developed several coping mechanisms and stored them in your toolbox.  Your child has not and would benefit from your breadth of experience.  You can start by teaching the difference between healthy and unhealthy coping skills.  Healthy coping mechanisms include exercise, meditation, art, music, distraction that includes laughter, playing with a pet, taking a bubble bath, singing along to their favorite song (helps regulate breathing), setting boundaries, and journal writing, just to name a few. Children use observational learning, which means they learn certain behaviors by observing their parents’ and other primary caregiver’s behavior.  Outside of school, you are most likely their primary adult source of learning. You can model behaviors like honesty, kindness, a good work ethic, selfless behavior, how to be a good friend, respect, and taking responsibility for one’s actions.  It is not likely they will learn these skills with their narcissistic parent and it will be incumbent upon you to teach them.  Something as simple as saying “please” and “thank you” to your child is an excellent way to model behavior. Use your child’s boundless curiosity and continuous observation to teach behaviors they can model.

Have fun with them.  You are going through one of the biggest, if not the biggest, trauma in your life.  They are too.  If you can manage to compartmentalize your trauma, do so. Put it away in a drawer and temporarily close it.  Believe me, the trauma and heartache will still be there when you decide to reopen that drawer.  Back to the child.  What does your child like to do? Video games, grab a remote control and jump in.  Crafts?  Grab the glue stick and some beads.  The playground?  Check out the monkey bars and while you’re at it, take a trip down memory lane on the slide.  Why not pack a picnic and make an afternoon of it?  Playing has incredible benefits like reducing stress and anxiety.  It also serves to teach emotional regulation, which is critical for child development in the social arena.  Additionally, it teaches incredibly valuable social skills.  It teaches sharing, kindness, managing different personalities, and abiding by rules.  It’s going to be up to you to initiate these activities with them.  Even the adolescents may not know they need it.  You may not feel up to it at first, your kids either, but when you actually engage in play and making good memories, they won’t forget it.  Neither will you.  It will be a welcome respite from the chaos that is happening around all of you, especially if you integrate it into your daily routine.  I know you’re struggling right now, so here’s a head start on a list of activities you can try with your child:

Scavenger Hunt (even the teens can get totally into this)

Trampoline Park (you gotta give this a try)

Game of Manhunt (teens love this)

Tea party

Plan a party with them

Chase the sun (my daughter and I would follow the sun until we found the perfect spot to watch a sunset)

Check out a Renaissance Festival

Plan a dinner-time picnic (before it gets too dark)

Build a prop for Halloween together

Build a fort inside the house and sleep together in it

Go out for a game of Geocaching (download the app, it’s free!)

Therapy. If possible, get your child into therapy. If you can’t immediately find one that understands narcissistic abuse (be prepared, many do not understand), find one that connects with your child and try to assess if they would be open to learning about it along the way.  As long as your child has another safe adult to connect with, it will still be beneficial.  Therapists specializing in children and adolescents are trained to help your child develop skills that will help them traverse current difficult situations and future challenges. Therapy is an excellent avenue for venting frustrations and learning how to manage them.  It is also helpful in teaching your child how to handle crisis in a productive manner.  A therapist will also be a neutral sounding board for your child to open up about their narcissistic parent. The one caveat I would add is that the uninformed mental health professional might tell your child, “You have to love your father,” or “you have to forgive your mother to move on”, or something like, “you have to respect your parent.”  Excellent advice when dealing with healthy parents, but using this approach would be very invalidating to the child’s experience involving a narcissistic parent.  If you feel your child’s therapist isn’t well-versed in narcissism and narcissistic abuse, don’t hesitate to let your child’s therapist know that phrases like this are off the table (a good therapist will be open to this and will work to understand why).  It may avoid feelings of confusion and invalidation for your child. The main focus is to ensure your child has a good therapeutic bond and feels safe with this person.  If nothing else, therapy will give your child the sense of being able to control part of their world. When divorcing a narcissist, the child will have every aspect of his/her life controlled for them without ever having a say.  It’s easy to feel helpless when parents (especially a narcissistic parent), judges, teachers, guardians ad litem, attorneys, evaluators seem to be making every decision for you.  Therapy will help empower them.

I know when you started out on your parenting adventure you thought it would be two parents who would forever prioritize the needs and well-being of the child.  Your new reality has morphed into an inescapable and surreal nightmare.  The kind where you scream, but nothing comes out.  You are now a single parent trying to undo and mitigate the damage the narcissistic parent, the flying monkeys, the family court system, and well-intentioned (and not so well-intentioned) friends and family are inflicting on your child.  It’s a tall order to wrap your head around the fact that the child’s other parent is willfully hurting and sacrificing their own flesh and blood in an attempt to destroy you.  It’s all so exhausting, for everyone.  Remember, raising your child is a marathon, never a sprint.  Be gentle with them, be patient with them, let them know it’s not their fault, and love them unconditionally.

Sending you strength, light, and love.