A Practical Guide to Leaving the Narcissist
Leaving a relationship is undoubtedly one of the more difficult challenges in life. You are often swimming in a cloud of self-doubt, hurt, and uncertainty. Leaving a relationship with a narcissist is next-level difficult. You are likely dealing with the effects of trauma that can, minimally, screw with your thinking. You’ve managed to keep clear headed enough to recognize it’s time to leave the narcissist, but thanks to said narcissist, it is likely you’ve experienced extreme eroded self-esteem, difficulty making decisions on your own, hypervigilance, feelings of being lost and lacking direction, feeling psychologically exhausted and feeling alone. More extreme examples could include feeling chronic pain, feeling crazy, and having thoughts of suicide. While these feelings are not uncommon after experiencing narcissistic abuse, it does not make for an optimal environment for detailing your escape plan.
When I finally gained the courage to leave, it had been “planned” for several days. When it was “go time” I thought I knew what I was doing, but boy was I wrong. I had greatly miscalculated so many things. The first being that he would act like a rational human being. You already know the narcissist is anything but a normal human being. I promise, it does not get better. As a matter of fact, the behavior usually gets worse. Please do yourself a favor and heed this warning: The narcissist’s behavior might intensify once he or she realizes you have left. Even if the narcissist has never been physically violent before, this is a time where it is possible for the narcissist to cross over into physical violence. Consider having a police escort or a 100% trusted friend or family member present when leaving. You may see behaviors you never imagined you would see from this individual. It is likely they will respond with rage and the worst of the narcissistic abuse may still be yet to come. I am talking about post-separation abuse. So, it is important to make sure you plan well, as this is not a typical break up. There will be no calling your ex up and meeting at Starbucks to get your forgotten fill-in-the-blank object. It doesn’t happen like that with a narcissist. If it is an item you want, they will make sure you do not get it. They will withhold the item, destroy the item, hide the item, or give away the item. I cannot stress this enough, if it is important to you, make sure you take it!!
I’ve compiled a checklist of items you’ll want to start gathering once you’ve determined that you need get out of dodge. This list will be a handy reference when you start packing your car; and can feel your heart pounding in your throat because you are so frightened you will be caught in the act. However, don’t start throwing your belongings in the back of your trunk quite yet. Leaving is usually one of the most dangerous times for the victim of narcissistic abuse. It is important you strategize to ensure the best possible outcome for your exit. This is the time they realize they have lost control of you and will start to rage. Conversely, they will try to hoover you back into the relationship, only to destabilize you and continue their abuse. Here are a few things to do pre-departure.
Step 1: Do not say a word. Do not let your abuser know you are planning to leave. Make your plans in silence and execute them covertly. If you have an individual you can trust 100%, then you might benefit from having the support of someone who is removed from the situation. For example, a mental health professional, a coach who understands narcissistic abuse, or a very trusted friend or family member. Other than that, do not tell anyone about your plan. If you are not ready to leave, do yourself a massive favor and do not threaten to leave. You will give the narcissist insight into what you are thinking and they will take advantage of it.
Step 2: Change passwords. If you believe they may be monitoring you, create new accounts with never-before used passwords, copy and forward all pertinent information to the new accounts, while leaving the existing accounts in place as cover. Change security passwords on your devices. Email: Pre separation, create a new email account and forward all important emails there, continue daily “small talk” emails on your old account. Social media: best to just leave it be and stay relatively inactive until you leave, then change the passwords and lock them out. Personal credit cards: The day you leave, call all credit card companies and have them cancel and reissue new cards with new security protocols (try to have squirreled away cash to hold you over until new cards are issued). ICloud accounts: change password ASAP. Assume your activities are being monitored. This would be a good time for a burner phone if you can safely acquire one.
Step 3: Determine a Safe Space and Safe Person: Whether it be a family member or friend’s home, a hotel, or a domestic violence shelter. Know where you are going to go once you leave. Before you make the decision to go, make that safe person aware of what is happening in your life.
Step 4: Bank Account: Open a bank account in your name only. If possible, start creating a nest egg.
What to Take with you when you Leave
Important Documents - This includes birth certificates for you and your children (if applicable), driver license, and passport/visas.
Financial Information - copies of banking statements, retirement funds, investments etc.
Inventory the content of the house. Be aware, you may never step foot in your home again and in the case of an equitable distribution trial you don’t want to have to rely on memory to list the contents of the home. You can even take a video of the interior of the home.
Sentimental items - You will not get these back, especially if the ex-narcissist is aware these items are important to you. This can include family heirlooms, the clippings of your child’s first haircut, copies of family photos, etc.
Copies of tax returns federal and state, if applicable.
Money - Cash is best. However, if there are gift cards around, grab those too. You may want to start secretly stashing gift cards to grocery stores or big box stores like Walmart or Target. You will need so many things in your new life, I guarantee you will use them.
Jewelry or anything of value - In a pinch, you can sell these items to help you get by.
All devices (laptops, phone, chargers, iPad, Kindle).
Keys to your home, car, safety deposit box, PO Box and storage facility.
Insurance documents (life insurance, health insurance, car insurance).
If applicable, your child’s electronics, clothing, comfort items/toys.
Titles - Car and home.
Marriage documents, divorce documents, if applicable.
Medical records, immunization records.
If applicable, a copy of any restraining order.
A list of telephone numbers of your key contacts.
Medicine - For you and your child.
Your pets - If you can bring them to your safe space. Don’t forget their supplies (food medicine, etc.)
Any degrees or transcripts you may have.
Professional licenses.
A copy of the narcissist’s social security card and driver license.
This is one of the most stressful and difficult decisions that need to be made when leaving a narcissist. With all of the chaos surrounding this critical time, it is not likely you will remember everything. I hope this list serves as a guideline to help at a critical time, as this is NOT like packing for a vacation. The more you plan for it, the better your chances of retaining the items that are important to you and the less hassle you will face down the challenging road ahead. Stay strong, survivors!
Sending you strength, light, and love.