So You Managed to Get the Narcissist into Therapy? Here’s What You Can Expect Next.
So you’ve found a therapist for your partner with narcissistic personality disorder or maybe you’ve scheduled your first visit for couple’s counseling. Under any other circumstance, I would applaud your efforts. Therapy can provide relief from numerous mental health challenges, incite lifelong behavioral changes, and improve overall satisfaction with life. However, this is not the typical result for individuals with narcissistic personality disorder. It is important to recognize that narcissistic personality disorder is typically ego-syntonic. In psychoanalysis, this means the narcissist does not see anything wrong with their thoughts, behaviors, or beliefs. It just jives with the narcissist’s ego. Spoiler alert: This means they likely have no intention of changing. I’m not suggesting there is zero hope, however significant improvement from the narcissist is definitely an atypical outcome.
Before we delve into how the narcissist might react to therapy, I can’t dump 100% of the blame on the narcissist (I know, I know, just hear me out a sec). In all fairness, I suppose significant improvement could be attained, but it almost takes a perfect storm. First, you will need a clinician extremely well-versed in narcissistic personality disorder and experienced enough to delicately shift the focus from the narcissist to teaching the narcissist how his/her behaviors affect others. It will also require the narcissist to adhere to therapy for a significant amount of time (this could take years). This is tricky since individuals with NPD often come to therapy to treat secondary issues (e.g., symptoms of anxiety or depression) and once they’ve found relief for those symptoms, therapy is discontinued. Finally, in any therapeutic setting a healthy dose of introspection is needed and often the narcissist does not have this ability.
Even if the stars align, we have a secondary challenge. Not every mental health professional has an education specializing in personality disorders. As a matter of fact, most do not. Your typical university education in psychology or social work (master’s level or doctorate level) does not include any specialization in personality disorders. So it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that most mental health clinicians are not well-equipped to handle this very complex disorder. Are you starting to see how getting effective treatment becomes extremely challenging? If you have decided to proceed with therapy for, or with, the narcissist in hopes of getting relief, please arm yourself with knowledge. Here are some scenarios you can expect:
A world-class performance of their false persona for the therapist. They have years (sometimes decades) of experience making others believe they are kindest, truthful, most sincere individuals. They are skilled manipulators and excellent at impression management. They might even present as genuinely wanting to improve the relationship.
Your partner will most likely reverse roles. He or she will play the role of the victim and accuse you of perpetrating the very same offenses. Think DARVO (Denies Responsibility, Attacks you, Reverses roles of Victim and Offender).
Your partner might offer to pick the therapist. Typically, it is a therapist he or she has “worked with” before. Translation: “I have pulled the wool over this therapist’s eyes before. I’m about to do it again.”
The uninformed therapist may unknowingly do more damage than good by perpetuating the abuse and invalidating the victim.
The narcissist, when even slightly challenged, may storm out of session and refuse to return.
Fearing discovery, the narcissist will put up roadblocks, excuses, complaints to return to future sessions. They might say things like, “You were flirting with the counselor.” “The counselor was inappropriate.” or “The counselor doesn’t know what he/she is talking about."
The narcissist may threaten to break up with you, because they are threatened therapy will expose their true self.
They might even adopt the therapist’s lingo and use it to accuse you of being a narcissist.
You will make a good-faith effort to improve the relationship and you will allow yourself to be genuine, transparent, and vulnerable. They, on the other hand, will gather that information and store it to be used against you at a later date.
Sending you strength, light, and love.