Subtle Ways the Narcissist Erodes Your Self-Esteem Part One: Love-Bombing & Devaluation

The narcissist is usually, charming, witty, attentive, extremely complimentary and overly loving. That is how they likely attracted you. They have an ability to sense just how to stroke your ego in order to set the hook. This is called love-bombing. The initial love bombing stage is “too good to be true” but we fall for it anyway because it feels so good! During this phase, your brain sends out an army of the happy chemicals. Say hello to serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. These three are responsible for the butterflies in your stomach, your racing heart, and feeling like the heart-eyes emoji. This love bombing is actually addictive, we crave it and yearn for more. Once the narcissist feels you have taken the bait, it is his/her imperative to keep you on the line. This ensures they can continue to feed off of you and wage their emotionally abusive campaign against you. You see, even though the narcissist presents as charming, kind, caring, and loving, it is all a bogus, well-rehearsed performance. The truth is that they are empty inside, devoid of empathy for anyone and extremely insecure. They need you in order to drain your life force and validate their own existence.

The next phase is called the “devaluation stage”. They demean, belittle, confuse, and ultimately try to destroy your self esteem. I know what you’re thinking, “Who in their right mind sticks around for that spectacularly craptastic abuse?” Hold up..it’s not as simple as that. While some narcissists get pleasure out of direct and overt insults, many narcissists employ covert techniques to slowly, but steadily, erode your self-esteem. Here’s the kicker, you likely won’t realize it is happening in real time. So many victim/survivors do not recognize what has happened until they gain some distance from the abuse. Sometimes, it goes unrecognized for years. Let’s rewind to the love-bombing phase for a second. While your brain was getting addicted to the feel-good chemicals. The narcissist was very busy working his side hustle. Unbeknownst to you, he/she was busy creating your “profile”. They listened closely and catalogued your hopes and dreams, your aspirations, your fears, your shortcomings and insecurities. This was done with Library-of- Congress precision. The information was locked safely away in order to weaponize your own insecurities against you, at a later date. Cue the devaluation phase. As narcissists always do, they bring you up, then they slam you down. Now it’s time to take a trip. Destination: destruction. Please fasten your seatbelts and get comfortable. This is a going to be a slow (very slow), insidious crawl. Even if you were the most confident, self-assured, outgoing, and independent person, the narcissist will seek to destroy you. Remember, it won’t come as an obvious putdown because then you, the target, will catch on to their manipulations. It often comes disguised as a back-handed compliment, masqueraded as constructive criticism, delivered as a passive- aggressive comment, or set up as a triangulation. So in order to help identify these surreptitious maneuvers, I’ve compiled a list that will help you recognize this tactic. This is what it could sound like:

Comparing you to the ex

“Don’t get me wrong, you’re pretty, but she was stunning!”

“You could stand to lose a few pounds. My ex was always in great shape.”
“Aren’t you going to the gym today? My ex never missed a day. His back and shoulders were amazing”
“My ex-wife was such a good cook. She even baked too. It was all so good. Your stuff is pretty good too.”

Insulting you in bed

“I’ve had bigger/lasted longer/satisfied me faster.” (fill in the blank)
“My ex was way more adventurous in bed. Why don’t you try anything like that?”
“I remember this one time me and my ex tried a three-way and it was so hot. We should do that.” “I’ll never forget the time I slept with this girl, her body was perfect.”
“Look, I bought you some lingerie,” (proceeds to show you something you would never, ever wear and about 3 sizes too small).

Disparaging your career

“I thought you had more ambition than that.”
“Since you don’t have a degree, then I guess that’s the best you can do.”
“I know someone with a similar job and he makes double what you make.”
“You’re probably not going to get promoted if you continue being such a mediocre employee.”

Insulting your financial situation

“This isn’t the lifestyle I am accustomed to.”
“I thought we’d have a boat by now.”
“This hotel you picked for our vacation looks dirty.”

You get the idea? Just in case, it is worth noting that the sky is the limit when it comes to variations of this attack. The stealthy jabs might also look like this:

Negatively commenting on your sense of style.
Nit picking your cleanliness and hygiene.
Making insulting remarks about your friends and family.
Elevating their own family above yours in status and class.
Flirting blatantly in front of you, then telling you that you are being possessive or paranoid. Not calling or texting when they said they would.
Canceling dates at the last minute.
Repeatedly coming home late, with terrible excuses.

Making disparaging remarks only to say it was just a joke.
Acting aloof and withdrawing emotionally.
Threatening to break up with you, repetitively.
Going dark for days or weeks at a time, leaving you to wonder what you did wrong.

These tactics are used to keep us off balance. We doubt ourselves, question our sanity and are willing to do just about anything to feel the “love” once again. The narcissist knows when you have been hooked and is well-practiced at the devaluation phase. It is second nature to them. They are cunningly skilled at pinpointing when you have had enough mistreatment and will promptly launch a new round of love bombing. They will come up with excuses that seem plausible “I was having a hard time at work,” “My cousin died,” “I felt we were moving too fast and was confused.” You will likely cave to their appeal and give them another chance because your brain is craving the love-bomb “fix” again. And just like that, you get sucked in to the vortex and the cycle begins. Learning to actively recognize these behaviors is the antidote.

So many of us look to blame ourselves for the narcissist’s behavior and abuse. “If only I had been more attentive,” “Seen the signs earlier,” “Established boundaries,” “Had more confidence.” None of the narcissist’s abusive behavior is your fault! You went in with an honest and open heart and the narcissist stomped on it for their own needs. If you are becoming aware of the narcissist’s abuse and recognize any of these behaviors, I applaud you. Fully understanding what has been done to you is no easy task. You deserve better. You deserve to be loved.

Sending you strength, light, and love.