Subtle Ways the Narcissist Erodes Your Self-Esteem Part two: Gaslighting and Blame Shifting.

The narcissist comes armed with a host of tricks in their bag to keep you under their spell. In Part 1, I discussed the love-bombing and devaluation cycle. The cycle is further enhanced by biochemical responses that keeps you coming back for more. Feel betrayed by your brain yet? The narcissist wouldn’t be performing their job competently without the addition of blame shifting and gaslighting. These two indispensable tactics keep you so distracted doubting your own instincts, fact checking, and questioning your version of reality that you become blinded to the genuine intent of the narcissist…keeping you under their control. More specifically, they need to be in control of your reality.  How else could they capture and abuse their victim for any significant amount of time?  The object of their game is next-level confusion and maximum reality distortion, while remaining undetected.  The longer you remain in a fog and jonesing for your next happy-hormone hit, the longer they have to suck their feed from your soul, undetected.  Eventually, you will trade empowerment for peace within the relationship, but you won’t realize it’s happening. You will cast aside your needs and wants in the ever-so-slight chance you receive a fraction of the ecstasy you once felt during the love-bombing phase. The narcissist distorts your morals, healthy perspectives, boundaries and cunningly replaces them with their own delusions. Oh, and, surprise! No sane ally on the outside of the relationship will be coming to help you, because the narcissist has done this while simultaneously maintaining the role of the protagonist. This keeps you running in the hamster wheel desperately trying to live up to the narcissist’s delusional standards.  They don’t stop until you feel puny and worthless, so you don’t leave and take with you their narcissistic supply.

The narcissist will never sincerely accept responsibility for any wrongdoing. Even if it is beyond obvious that it is their fault. Their own fragile self-worth and the false persona they have created will not allow the narcissist to accept failure or mistakes. In fact, if you pay close attention you will start to notice they are always the victims in their narrative. So, instead of owning up and accepting responsibility they swiftly deflect and find the nearest target to pass the blame along to.  You could have 15 witnesses, 42 screenshots, and Emmy-worthy video evidence of their mistake and they will still deny it. Like, boldly, without any hesitation. When you are subjected to this behavior, it can trigger a number of chemical responses in the brain. This can include increased levels of stress hormones such as cortisol, which can lead to symptoms such as anxiety and depression. In addition, you may experience feelings of shame and guilt, which can activate the brain's reward and punishment centers, further exacerbating the negative impact on your mental health. Over time, repeated exposure to narcissistic blame shifting can lead to long-term damage to the your self-esteem and overall well-being.

Which brings me to gaslighting. The narcissist has zero qualms about lying to your face. Repeatedly. They will lie to you about their accomplishments, their job, their love for you, their past relationships, their education, their salaries, how much they can bench press, and what they ate for lunch. Nothing is off the table. In the mind of the narcissist, no lie is too egregious. Why do they lie? They lie to get attention, they lie because they’re bored, they lie because they love getting one over on you, and remember that fragile self-worth and the false persona they created? Above all, they lie to protect that. They will do it straight-faced and you won’t think twice of the fabrication, as it is executed seamlessly. They’ve likely been practicing the skill for years, if not decades, and are highly trained at their deceptive craft. To make the situation worse, most people are quite honest and cannot imagine living a life entangled in lies. This makes it almost unfathomable to you, the target, that an individual could be so deceptive.

It can be a daunting realization to come to terms with the fact that you may have been the victim of a narcissist's game. Blame shifting and gaslighting are just two of the many tools in their arsenal that are designed to keep you confused and under their control. It's important to recognize that this is not your fault and that you are not alone. If you find yourself in a situation where you are being blamed for things that are not your fault, or you are constantly questioning your own version of reality, it may be time to seek support from a trusted friend or a professional. Remember, your self-esteem and well-being are too important to sacrifice for the sake of a toxic relationship.

Sending you strength, light, and love.