A Journey of Triumph: From Suck to Reconstruct
In the face of adversity, I discovered an inner strength that I never knew existed. This is the story of part of my journey as an abused woman, navigating the treacherous path paved by the narcissistic ex-husband. From being left penniless, homeless, friendless, without a car, and unemployed to emerging victorious in the custody battle, I hope my story inspires others facing similar challenges to find resilience and hope.
As the dust settled from the shattered remnants of my marriage, I found myself in a nightmarish reality. My narcissistic husband, using his abusive tactics and access to money, left no stone unturned to punish me for leaving the “marriage”. I was stripped of my financial security, left with no home, no car, no access to money, and limited prospects for employment. The nine years I dedicated to being a stay-at-home mom suddenly became a barrier in securing good employment opportunities. Little did I know at the time, my journey into a strategically planned post-separation abuse was just beginning. The opening act was the narcissistic rage. Once he realized I was serious about leaving, he went on a drinking binge and destroyed the contents of our house. Most notably, any picture or painting that featured me, his target. That’s when I knew I had to leave. Initially, I asked for a budget so that my daughter and I could move into an apartment within the same school district. At the time, the narcissist’s salary was nearly $300k. He told me he couldn’t afford it. Shortly thereafter, he proceeded to lock me out of our joint bank accounts, with a big, fat gaslight. He told me I had forgotten the password to our bank accounts (the same exact passwords we had for the past ten years). He also refused to give me the one family car we had. So, at this point my daughter and I had no home, no car, and no money. With the little bit of credit I had left, I rented a car and my mother rented a hotel room for us. I distinctly remember my mom buying a new lunchbox for my daughter at the local Target while I used the hotel room dresser as a makeshift kitchen counter to pack her ham sandwiches. Soon thereafter, he did a factory reset on my phone, my laptop and my daughter’s iPad. It was all part of his post-separation abuse plan. One he had meticulously laid out, months before. You see, it finally dawned on me that I was a newbie to this shitshow. I thought I had initiated the divorce, when in reality he was 10 steps ahead of me. He was waiting for me to leave and had long ago initiated his plan.
The Cruel Ultimatum:
Fast forward to the preliminary custody hearing. It was a pivotal moment in my life and a traumatic moment in my daughter’s life. It presented a heart-wrenching ultimatum. The judge commanded that within one week, I must find suitable housing, reliable transportation, and furnish a proper household for my daughter. Failure to meet these demands would result in the forfeiture of shared custody, leaving my precious 9-year-old daughter torn away from my arms and directly deposited in the arms of her abuser. The hearing lasted approximately 30 minutes. The judge was not interested in hearing about the about the drunken rage that led to the violent destruction of the family home. He was also not interested that I was awarded a one-year restraining order against my abuser. He also did not seem to care that our abuser had never taken any interest in my daughter prior to our separation and would never make her a priority. The judge clearly knew nothing of the patterns of abuse. None of it mattered. In the Temporary Parenting Agreement, the judge ordered 50/50 custody until the child custody trial. As it turns out, “temporary” ended up meaning 5 years. From the ages of 9-14, my daughter was forced into an abusive home for 50% of her life, without the protection of her primary attachment figure…me.
Initially, life became a relentless uphill battle as I embarked on a mission to quickly fulfill the judge's requirements. With little to no money, I scoured bargain stores, meticulously counting every cent, as I sought out affordable household essentials. Securing suitable housing within the judge's tight timeframe was an overwhelming challenge. Nevertheless, I persevered. Finally, a glimmer of hope emerged as I found a modest apartment that could serve as a haven for me and my daughter, at least 50% of the time. Thankfully, my mother who was witness to the beginning of the post-separation abuse, used her savings to help me comply with the judge’s orders. It was a humbling experience, but the love and determination for my daughter fueled my resilience. The next daunting task was finding employment that would provide stability for the two of us. Despite the hurdles and rejections I faced, I didn’t have the luxury to be disheartened. After countless interviews and job applications, I found a job that offered a new beginning, enabling me to modestly rebuild our lives.
The 5-Year Trial: Strength Amidst Struggles:
During the excruciatingly long and arduous 5-year trial, I juggled the responsibilities of a single parent trying to keep her child safe, post-separation abuse, continued gaslighting and manipulations from the ex, a smear campaign, endless court appearances, financial struggles, and the emotional toll of reliving past trauma. But I persisted, with the unwavering belief that justice would prevail and the welfare of my daughter would be protected. Despite family court’s battle cry “in the best interest of the child” I saw no actual proof of it. There were no consequences for the abuser’s repeated violations of orders, no immediate consequences for him not paying child support, there was no accountability for his continued abusive behavior towards me and my daughter, and there were no consequences for the family court/mental health “professionals” who behaved abysmally. You see, the system is rigged against the victim/survivor. How? For example, family court professionals are frequently lacking in domestic abuse knowledge, thus perpetrators are able to abuse the system, undetected. Additionally, when a safe parent makes abuse allegations, very frequently those abuse allegations are ignored, trivialized, or met with counter allegations of parental alienation. Other tactics include, using the victim/survivor’s justified response to abuse and/or fear of losing the children to the abuser as a means to show how unhinged the safe parent is. Meanwhile the perpetrator is able to skillfully and manipulatively create a “reasonable person” facade, thus making the narcissist’s narrative appear legitimate in the eyes of the court.
The Silver Lining:
Finally, after enduring the seemingly endless legal battles, I emerged “victorious”. The court granted me sole custody and child support. This part of the grueling journey had come to an end, and a hopeful chapter began for my daughter and me.
My story is one of survival, resilience, and ultimately triumph over unimaginable circumstances. I hope that by sharing my experiences, I can offer solace and inspiration to others facing similar challenges. Remember, even in the darkest of times, there is always a flicker of hope. Hold onto that flame, ignite your strength, and forge a path toward your healing journey.
Sending you strength, light, and love.