Chilling and Calculating Tactics of Financial Abuse

In a seemingly normal and loving relationship, it can be difficult to recognize the subtle ways a narcissist exerts coercive control since it is planned and executed underhandedly. It is initially effective because the perpetrator hooks you in with love-bombing, followed by the devaluation stage. This leaves the victim/survivor craving the “good old" love bombing days like a drug. This is step one of locking in the target. While you are preoccupied with attempting to appease the abuser, he/she is continually working on eroding your self-esteem and making you question your own reality. Repeat this cycle numerous times and before you know it (and here’s the key..you probably don’t recognize it) you’ve fallen prey to the machinations of the abuser. Given enough time, these abuse maneuvers can amplify into financial abuse and post-separation financial abuse, leaving you vulnerable, confused, and trapped. In this blog post, we will explore some of the tactics employed by narcissists to gain control over their victims and the potential consequences faced by each.

1. Tracking Apps and Surveillance:

Narcissists may use tracking apps and surveillance tools to monitor their partner's every move. They gain access to personal information such as location history, bookmarks, photos, phone logs, and texts. This creates something out of a horror movie as the victim/survivor becomes hypervigilant and even paranoid. Abusers have even been known to secretly drop an inexpensive GPS tracking device into a car, purse, or bag. Even post-separation they will want to keep tabs on you and will often drop a device inside the child’s coat or backpack that travels to and from the home.  Be mindful, the abuser may have already secretly gained access to your email password(s). In an effort to increase security, you may want to update passwords and whenever two-factor authentication is available, use it!  If you have Google Maps, and location sharing is turned on, your partner can monitor your whereabouts throughout the day. This also applies to the “Find My” app on your Apple devices. This invasion of privacy can lead to feelings of suffocation and fear while shutting down the ability to move about freely and think clearly.

2. Cloud-Based Storage and Remote Wiping:

Through shared cloud-based storage for computers and phones, abusers can gain unauthorized access to personal data. They can remotely wipe all devices and reset them to factory settings, change your password, and prevent you from accessing your information. Since you won’t be able to get back in without the password, this reset effectively erases everything on your devices, including evidence of abuse you may be collecting for a future court hearing/trial. Warning: If you are collecting evidence on your device, make sure you are saving copies! You can keep hard copies of evidence carefully hidden within the home, you can make digital copies and send it to a trusted family member or friend, or you can create a brand-new secret email account and forward copies of your evidence.

3. Financial Control:

One of the narcissist’s favorite means of exerting control, while remaining undetected is by commandeering the family finances. This may initially seem like the perpetrator is offering a kind gesture. It may sound like, “Since you have so much on your plate, I’ll be happy to help out by taking care of the bills.”  By going paperless and having all statements sent to their private email, abusers keep victims in the dark regarding financial matters. This creates a power imbalance and makes it challenging for the victim to assert their rights or gain financial independence. If at all possible, attempt to keep your eyes on the family finances. Also, if you currently hold a job or any independent stream of income, do NOT let the abuser convince you to abandon it. Trust me, this will save you so much heartache and difficulty later.

4. Joint Accounts and Funds Transfer:

When all finances are consolidated into one joint account, narcissists can exploit their partner's trust. They may transfer funds to their secret accounts or lock the victim out by changing passwords or pin numbers, leaving the victim financially vulnerable and one giant step closer to being controlled. While it may seem like both have control of a joint bank account, the narcissist or coercive controller has been known to allow you to deposit your paycheck into the joint account, but not allow victims to make withdrawals, even for household expenses, like groceries.

5. Manipulating Credit Cards:

Narcissists may manipulate credit cards held jointly or solely by their partners. They encourage their victims to max out these cards, creating a significant debt burden. Abusers have also been known to take out loans in their partner’s name. This tactic serves to further keep the victim financially trapped and unable to leave the abusive relationship. The more financially buried you are, the more difficult it is to escape. That’s exactly how the abuser wants it.

6. Isolation:

By constantly, yet subtly, criticizing friends and family, narcissists gradually isolate their target. This tactic aims to weaken the victim's support system, resulting in little to no outside support. Simultaneously, the narcissist may manipulate your loved ones to make you appear as the "bad" person in the relationship. See what’s happening? The abuser is isolating everyone from you, so they become unwilling to emotionally or financially assist you and you become unwilling to ask for help. The kicker here is, that the abuser manipulated YOU into isolating yourself from your friends and family. No financial means = no way out…at least that’s what abusers think.

7. Micromanagement and Undermining:

Narcissists exert control by micromanaging every aspect of their target’s life. They constantly criticize abilities, downplay value, and create a pervasive feeling within you of being inadequate. This insidious tactic leaves the victim doubting themselves and their capabilities. If this pattern of behavior persists, how long would it be before those feelings of inadequacy bleed over to a job or a profession?  While you are doubting your skills, training, and education, how long is it before the abuser tells you that “You deserve a break. Take some time off. I’ve got the expenses covered.” And, poof! Just like that, you are now financially dependent on the abuser.

8. Emotional Manipulation and Guilt Trips:

Narcissists excel at emotional manipulation, often resorting to guilt trips. They may guilt trip their partner about working hard while they stay at home, exaggerate their illnesses to garner sympathy or create a sense of burden related to financial responsibilities. These tactics are designed to manipulate the victim's emotions and maintain control.

9. Covert “Money Laundering”:

If the narcissist possesses pre-marital assets that have significantly increased in value, they may sell them off, temporarily co-mingle the money with shared assets, and hide portions of it. Don’t be surprised if they sell off assets to fund their “business expenses”.  Additionally, the narcissistic abuser will borrow, steal, and/or con family members out of large sums of money and divert that money to a secret bank account. Inheritances may be received (although spouses aren’t necessarily entitled to an inheritance), but never discussed or the amount of the inheritance may be greatly downplayed. These kinds of money shenanigans aim to diminish the victim's entitlement to marital assets and leaves them financially disadvantaged.

10. IRS Debt and Penalties:

Narcissists may deliberately run up debt and incur penalties with the IRS, exposing their targets to significant financial liabilities during the divorce. You may be held responsible for half of the bill unless you can prove your lack of knowledge or innocence through an innocent spouse defense.

Recognizing the chilling and calculating ways a narcissist exerts coercive control is essential for targets of financial abuse. Understanding these tactics can help victims seek the necessary support and resources to break free from the cycle of abuse. Whether you are still embroiled with a narcissist, or you’ve moved on.  If you find yourself experiencing any of these forms of control, it's crucial to reach out to professionals, support groups, or domestic violence organizations to ensure your safety and well-being. Remember, you are not alone, and there is help available to reclaim your life and independence.

Sending you strength, light, and love.