An Open Letter to our Beacons of Support: Navigating the Journey of Support for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse*
Dear Family Member/Friend,
My sincerest thank you for being here to support me. I may not show it, but my world is upside down. I am crumbling on the inside. I may not be able to adequately articulate all of my feelings now, but I feel scared, confused, outraged, and overwhelmingly isolated. If the hurt the narcissist inflicted on me appeared on my body as bruises or broken limbs, you would see my body bearing the vivid scars of a harrowing battle, but my injuries are invisible, therefore dismissible to the average person because my abuser has worked diligently to make you believe they are a good person. You may have difficulty understanding why since this invisible abuse makes it difficult to detect and comprehend. You see, I was duped into believing the abuser was someone he was not. Yes, I used the word “abuser” because narcissistic abuse is domestic abuse. In certain ways, you were tricked into believing the same. You were also duped because the person you thought you knew was actually just in character. It was all a facade. It was done intentionally. It was done with malice. It was done covertly from the beginning of our “relationship”. It was done because he gained something from me, but most importantly he wanted to exert power and control over me. The narcissistic abuser needs to feel good about themselves. Aside from power and control, they seek attention, adulation, and to feel important. They expertly create their facade and look for targets that authenticate their false persona. I could have been targeted for money, sex, or a place to live. It could have been because he saw my kindness, loving disposition, and genuine spirit. It could have been because my looks, personality, education, titles, or job helped him fulfill some wild delusion in his fictional world.
Please believe me when I tell you they are liars of the first order. They lie about anything and everything. Sometimes they lie just to see if they can get away with it. This cunning deceiver has a formidable arsenal of tools at their disposal, wielding them with remarkable frequency and finesse. They skillfully trick their targets (including their children) sometimes inflicting profoundly devastating harm of an unbelievable magnitude. This time it was me. He used manipulative tools like gaslighting, triangulating, love-bombing/devaluing, stonewalling, future-faking, projecting, blame-shifting, victimization, guilt manipulation, hoovering, and smear campaigns to keep me under their control, make me question my reality, and destroy my self-esteem. He executed this so covertly and seamlessly that everyone on the outside remained blissfully unaware of what was happening at home. I know this is almost impossible to believe; I’m still trying to wrap my head around this as well. When we first met, I thought he was charming, outgoing, ambitious, the life of the party, and an all-around good guy! During the years we dated, I was tricked into believing he was supportive, caring, loving, and respectful, and shared so many of my goals and dreams for the future. It turns out it was all an act. What he did at the beginning of our “relationship” is called love-bombing. He went over the top to make me feel special. He wrote me poetry, bought me gifts, introduced me to his parents, and took me to the finest restaurants. He purposely made me feel like I was his soulmate; the love of his life. He used future-faking to make me believe that we had a future together and he mirrored all of my hopes and dreams to further manipulate me into believing we were destined to be together. Soon after, he intentionally devalued me. He ghosted me, triangulated me by introducing a second love interest (a.k.a. a new target), and purposely put me down to make me feel like I had done something wrong. The reality is that all I did was try to love him and try to build a future together. Because of this calculated manipulation, I couldn't predict whether he would react positively or negatively, so I tried even harder to love him in hopes of winning his love back.
Since the narcissist values his image and self-importance above all else, in his eyes, I was no longer perfect and suddenly became disposable. My self-esteem plummeted so greatly that I visited the Land of Rock Bottom. The random back and forth between love-bombing and devaluation created a pattern of intermittent reinforcement. Of course, I did not know this at the time, so I thought there was something wrong with me and kept doubling and re-doubling my efforts. The most mind-boggling aspect of all is that due to the trauma bond, my own mind and body engaged in a bewildering dance, convincing me that my attachment to the abuser was even stronger. My brain and body further tricked me by desperately making me crave all of the feel-good chemicals that were released during the initial love-bombing phase. The intensity of the trauma bond is so overwhelming that I currently can't fully grasp the extent of the deliberate harm inflicted upon me. As I attempt to unravel the abuse and come to terms with its deliberate nature, I feel raw and confused. It seems that no matter who I confide in and turn to for solace, they do not truly understand my experience. I’ve gotten victim-blamed. I’ve received blank stares. I’ve been told, “There are two sides to every story," "Why don't you just negotiate," "He just needs help with his addiction," "He had a bad childhood," “He seems like a great father,” “Everyone has some problems in their marriage? and “Can’t you just try to make your marriage work for the kids?” I wonder if anyone would ask those questions if I had a black eye, a broken arm, and bruises all over my body.
When I finally walk away from the abuser it is important for you to realize that the abuse will not end; it will most likely intensify. Narcissistic abusers fly into narcissistic rage if they feel their facade is threatened. Statistically, this will be the most dangerous time for me as this is when homicides and familicides typically occur. Therefore, I will bear the additional burden of ensuring the safety of both myself and my children. If I make it out alive, be aware that the next phase of the abuse is post-separation abuse. I could be financially ruined, homeless, carless, jobless, stuck in vexatious litigation for years, and virtually friendless. I will have to live through this new phase of abuse while still undergoing the trauma of the original abuse. The abuser will privately salt the earth and will attempt to destroy me and my reputation through his flying monkeys and smear campaign. He will use D.A.R.V.O. (Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, and Offender) to play the victim and blame me for everything he has done, while publicly keeping his own reputation squeaky clean.
I understand that there were moments when you believed the abuser to be a good, maybe even a great, parent. There were lots of moments I did too. You may have encountered pictures capturing tender moments, observed the abuser coaching his son's Little League soccer team, or even viewed snapshots from luxurious family vacations. To him, every one of those photos served as a staged photo opportunity. They were strategically taken for the sole purpose of perpetuating his carefully constructed facade to the outside world. The truth is he was neither interested in our family, nor was he interested in forming genuine loving bonds with the children. He has no capacity for love, respect, kindness, empathy, or connectedness. He does have a capacity for an unimaginable level of cruelty.
The narcissistic abuser will still not be satiated. It gets worse. A lot worse. What greater punishment to a loving parent than to have the abuser threaten to take the children away? What good parent would ever want to harm the child's other parent? The heartbreaking truth is that only an abuser could ever inflict such pain and suffering on someone our children love and need. Now since his control over me is slipping away, he will not think twice about weaponizing the children against me in family court. While the outside world was looking at our “happy family” pictures on social media, he was busy hurting the children too. He verbally and emotionally abused them, manipulated them, shamed them, neglected their needs, undermined my parenting, and tried to turn them against me. The family court system feels like being forced into an alternate reality where orders frequently go unenforced, and it's agonizing to witness that many legal professionals are woefully unprepared to recognize this type of domestic abuse, leaving me and our children in a state of desperate vulnerability. Even custody evaluators are easily duped by his doting father act. Rather than chanting their empty mantra of "the child's best interest," the legal system seems to prioritize the rights of the abusive parent over the safety of the children. It's a heart-wrenching reality where uninformed custody decisions could potentially place the children directly into the hands of their abuser, leaving them unprotected and vulnerable for years to come. As a parent could you imagine such a dire situation? The consequences could be lifelong. Further, the family court will re-victimize me by not believing my narrative, and not understanding trauma responses. With only a fleeting understanding of domestic abuse judges frequently award full custody to the abusive parent. It happens more times than anyone can imagine. Judges also make custody decisions that give the abuser access to their targets via weekly updates, forced communication, and joint decision-making orders. The abuser never hesitates to use these avenues to perpetuate his abuse and this could span years until the child turns 18. There is no expediency in family court. Custody decisions can take three, four, five years or more! The abuser capitalizes on this by ensuring he drags out legal proceedings as much as possible in an effort to financially bankrupt me and erode my mental health. Just as he has deceived me, you, our friends, and family, he will adeptly lay his hand on the Bible, solemnly swear to speak the truth, but cunningly deceive the judge with his meticulously concocted victim facade and he will go unpunished as there are rarely any consequences for lying in family court. These strategies sound unhinged. They are, but they serve the sole purpose of keeping control over their targets. The children are just tools for the abuser.
As you embark on your efforts to support this hidden and silent battle please recognize that narcissistic abuse is a haunting reality for so many victim/survivors and its repercussions are deep and far-reaching. In your pursuit of becoming the beacon of hope I so desperately need it might be helpful to understand how best to support me. I’ve created a set of guidelines encompassing both supportive measures and potential pitfalls that can deeply impact me during this arduous journey. Thank you for standing by me and helping me find the path forward.
Please Do:
Understand the sheer complexity and effects of this kind of abuse. There is no easy or succinct way to describe this kind of abuse; it defies a simple explanation. The most concise way I’ve found to describe the abuser is as a sheep in wolf’s clothing. It will take me a while to process this, and it will take you time as well. There are so many varying components to narcissistic abuse that it makes it difficult for the average person to understand. The most challenging aspect is that normal people would never, ever behave so manipulatively or abusively, yet the abuser is highly skilled at acting like a normal person…to the outside world.
Listen without judgment (a lot!) and validate, validate, validate. I’ve been so covertly abused that I likely do not even recognize the breadth and depth of it. I am trying to make sense of the abuse, but I’ve been so manipulated and conditioned to doubt my reality that right now, I may have difficulty assessing which way is up. Please be gentle and patient with me as I talk about and try to process my experience. I might rehash the same stories and it may seem like I should “just get over it,” but identifying, labeling, unraveling, and fully understanding narcissistic abuse can take years, even decades. That’s how complex this is. I promise each time I am allowed to safely tell my narrative, it helps me heal.
Learn about the trauma bond. It goes a long way in explaining the difficulty of "just walking away." For many of us, it is a survival mechanism. Victim/survivors believe that staying with the abuser is the only way to protect ourselves and our children, even though it is causing harm. The abuser plays powerful mind games by oscillating between kindness and cruelty, love and hate, creating a confusing blend of emotions. With time, this duality becomes strangely familiar, even if it is terrifying, making it harder for victim/survivors to leave. To add to the difficulty, many victim/survivors don't consciously understand this is happening until well into the healing process. So when you ask questions like "Why didn't you leave sooner?" or "Why did you stay?" not only will I be made to feel guilty, but I likely won't be able to formulate an answer until well into my healing process.
Learn about how the abuser will likely keep abusing me after separation (Post-separation abuse, smear campaign). To assist me after separation, it is essential to be aware of the post-separation abuse survivors often endure. After leaving the relationship, the abuser will likely experience narcissistic rage, especially if the victim/survivor initiates the separation. The abuser will likely adopt a "salt the earth" approach, which may include escalating their tactics through smear campaigns to destroy any social support I have, harassment, weaponizing the children against me, repeated costly legal maneuvers to drain me of my resources, blocking my access to family bank accounts, and ceasing to pay spousal support or child support to continue exerting control and sowing discord in my life.
Trauma responses. Behind closed doors, I’ve been lied to, criticized, humiliated, financially controlled, sexually coerced, isolated from friends and family, belittled, insulted, accused, cheated on, had my reality distorted, and my self-esteem decimated. I fell in love with a person that never really existed. Even though I was deliberately targeted, I feel deep shame, I feel helpless, I feel terrified, I am exhausted, I feel alone, and I am traumatized. Trauma responses can manifest in such ways that you may not recognize it as my “normal” behavior. I am likely very anxious and depressed, hypervigilant, forgetful, and avoidant of places I might typically go. I might sleep too much or sleep too little and may experience panic attacks. My eating patterns make me look very different from what you would typically expect from me, and I might turn to drugs and alcohol. Or I might completely disconnect from my emotions (dissociation). I will likely struggle with trusting others and worse yet, I will struggle to trust myself.
Please Don’t:
Don’t ask me why I didn’t leave sooner. It's victim-blaming. Understanding the trauma bond is just the beginning of comprehending why I didn't leave. I had limited or no financial resources because he controlled the money. I was afraid that if I left, he would take the children away from me. I was also afraid he would use his money and power against me, not to mention my concerns for my safety and the safety of the children.
Say things like, "There are two sides to the story," "It takes two to Tango," or "Why did you get involved with them in the first place?" This constitutes victim-blaming. Allow me to help you understand. With the narcissist, there are never two sides; it is an abuser and a victim, period. There is no gray area, there is no doubt, there is no justification. It may be difficult for you to understand because you, too, were duped by the abuser. They worked tirelessly to make us all believe they were good people, and that's one of their hallmarks. You never witnessed the monster that emerged behind closed doors because the abuser never wanted you to. While you were not their prey, you were deceived into becoming a source of supply to satisfy their insatiable need for attention and adulation. They needed you to believe they were a great guy.
Engage my abuser or encourage me to have any contact with the abuser. That feels like the ultimate betrayal. Would you ever hang out with a person who berated me? How about an individual who raped me? How about a thief who stole all of my money and left me penniless? Well, the abuser is capable of all of this and more. However, this abuser doesn't do it in a shady alley with a ski mask on his head. He does it when nobody is looking, right inside our home. Remember, the only side you've seen is the "nice" guy and the abuser will likely continue their role-play by telling you their lie-encrusted version of the truth. You see, narcissists never take responsibility for their behaviors. Instead, it's much easier for them to make up lies about their targets and make you feel sorry for them.
Try to get me to go to therapy. I appreciate the effort, I really do, but many therapists do not understand narcissistic abuse, coercive control, and the resulting trauma associated with it. It takes a skilled professional specializing in domestic abuse to understand the severity of this kind of abuse, and they are few and far between. Even more importantly, an untrained therapist, coach, clergy member, or psychologist may inadvertently do more harm than good by invalidating the entire abuse experience. Please don't ever ask me to go to therapy with a narcissist. Once again, most therapists/psychologists are not specifically trained to spot this insidious abuse. The narcissist is a well-skilled, very practiced con artist. They put on quite the show for the professional when they attend couples therapy. Believe it or not, an unsuspecting mental health professional is easily deceived by the narcissist's facade. Thus possibly creating a scenario where the abuse is perpetuated by the abuser and the victim/survivor is invalidated by the professional.
Tell me to “just negotiate” or “Give them what they want” or worse yet, ask “Why can’t you be civil with him for the sake of the children”? Let me make this crystal clear: negotiating with a narcissist is futile. I understand that it might sound like an exaggeration, but I assure you, this perspective comes from dealing with an individual who operates far outside the boundaries of normalcy. The narcissist is consumed by an insatiable need for adulation and an unrelenting desire to control their target. While they might pretend to be willing to negotiate, it's a facade concealing their complete disinterest in reaching a fair agreement. When they perceive any loss of control or a challenge to their dominance, their fury knows no bounds, and they will stop at nothing to dismantle their targets' lives. Oh, and any emotional reaction I display in response to their demands or refusals merely fuels the flames of the narcissist's relentless craving for power and attention and makes me look “difficult” in the eyes of the family court system.
Say that you want to remain “neutral”. Saying this is invalidating my abuse, and it feels like you are negating the extent of my suffering. Would you remain neutral if my face were smashed in, or if I had hand imprints around my neck? This is akin to those physical injuries, except the scars are hidden and deliberately concealed by the abuser.
Narcissistic abuse is a complex experience, one that defies simple explanations. It requires a compassionate, patient, and informed approach to truly support me and other survivors on our path to healing and recovery. When you offer us the patience, empathy, and guidance we desperately need by validating our experiences, understanding the trauma bond, and acknowledging the depth of abuse we’ve endured, you are supporting us in breaking the cycle of abuse and helping us peacefully rebuild our lives after abuse. Thank you.
Yours in Gratitude,
*While research indicates that domestic abusers are predominantly male, I recognize there are female domestic abusers including lesbian abusers. I have chosen to use the pronouns“he and him” for the sake of brevity and clarity. Feel free to change pronouns and details to reflect your own experience.