Protecting Your Social Support Before the Narcissist Destroys It
Walking through the minefield of narcissistic abuse, domestic violence, and coercive control is akin to entering Harry Potter’s Forbidden Forest. It demands awareness, bravery, resilience, discipline, and strategy. One of the many insidious tactics employed by abusers is the purposeful sowing of chaos among friends and family. In this blog, I want to teach you the skill of recognizing and countering this manipulation, ensuring your social support system remains as intact as possible. We’ll look at practical strategies, rooted in both psychological insights and real-life experiences, to safeguard your mental well-being and break free from the narcissist's abusive grip.
If you’ve made it here, you are likely aware that narcissists are master manipulators. They have the finely-tuned skills of a conniving puppeteer in exploiting existing conflicts and/or fabricating new ones. They need only the slightest opportunity to insert themselves and manufacture chaos. Their goal? To isolate you emotionally. The end goal? Render you dependent on them so you are easier to control. They seem unstoppable until you learn to spot their behaviors. Eyes open, because here’s how they execute their sinister plan:
1. Kill you with kindness.
Narcissists are wolves in sheep’s clothing. They use their two-faced approach to create a problem - or make an existing problem worse. They transform into your staunchest ally and biggest fan. Who doesn’t like to have a friend or partner who gets just as fiery as you do at a perceived injustice? We instinctively reach out to our closest confidants—whether it's a best friend, mother, or sister—when someone has treated us unfairly. Why? Because we crave validation; we want the person on the other end of the call to share our outrage and indignation over the injustice inflicted upon us. We want the emotional backup. We want someone to be mad with us. Cue the narcissist. The narcissist is more than happy to slither into that role. It looks and feels exactly like what you would expect from your bestie. Affirming your perspective, slamming others who disagree, and even displaying excessive support, except that it’s a FACADE. Sometimes they even morph into the kindest, most loving individual, making their charade even harder to detect. Being able to spot this charade is crucial to seeing through their lies and protecting your sanity. I recall the breakfasts in bed, the doting, him sweeping me off to a weekend getaway (more isolation), and the excessive kindness post-orchestrated chaos – it was all part of the plan. Of course, I didn't see it at the time.
2. Emotional Dependency
By hijacking your social network, narcissists aim to make you emotionally dependent on them. They cunningly convince you that they are your only source of stability, that everyone else sucks, is jealous of you, or is crazy. They will slowly use fakery to inflate your ego while simultaneously finding fault with your friends/family. “Did you see Heather’s face when you walked in? She looked so jealous of you,” “I overheard Sara trash-talking you. She stopped when I walked by.” See what’s happening? They slowly put space between you and your support posse. They will patiently lie in wait while trapping you in a cycle of control, isolation, and admiration while simultaneously feeding their bottomless ego. Combat this by cultivating diverse friendships and support networks outside the narcissist no matter how hard you have to push back. Don’t let go of your friends and family! They will be crucial to your recovery.
3. Your Isolation = Their Win
The narcissist will quickly pounce and seize the opportunity to isolate you for a few different reasons. While you subtly lose your support system, the narcissist is gradually gaining control over you. Why do gazelles and other animals roam in packs? Safety in numbers, right? This works the same way. When you have no outside influence, no sounding boards, no differing opinions, and no one to confirm that gut feeling you develop, you have just become the injured gazelle of the herd. You are isolated with no one to call out the narcissist’s behaviors, no one to be truthful with you, no one to validate your experiences, and no one to say, “Hey, this behavior is NOT okay.” You have now fallen prey to the narcissist’s unfettered abuse. Along with twisting your reality, your self-esteem will be ripped to shreds. Now you are exactly where the predator wants you…primed to be further manipulated and controlled, unimpeded by anyone who might have your back. Relearn to trust your instincts. If something feels off, stop and think. Ask yourself, what your relationship was with your support before the narcissist came into your life. Do some reality testing. For example, ask yourself how many incidences you observed versus what was hearsay from the abuser. Clarify intentions and conversations with your friends and loved ones directly. Reevaluate your loved one’s behaviors without the untruthful and negative spin by the narcissist.
So much of recovery from narcissistic abuse includes education, empowerment, and validation of the experience. The following are steps you can begin to take to increase your chances of maintaining such a vital component of your healing. The stronger support you have in place the more difficult you make it for the narcissist to try to destroy you.
1. Strengthen Your Inner Circle
Invest in authentic friendships and family bonds. Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you, creating a robust emotional safety net that narcissists can't dismantle. Remember though, you may not be able to salvage all relationships and not all relationships are worth salvaging. It’s okay. This is about quality support, not quantity. There is tremendous power in a few good, trustworthy family members/friends. Keep your circle tight and foster those relationships that offer meaningful and supportive connections. Once you’ve identified the individuals who are trustworthy and supportive, educate them.
2. Educate Your Support System
Educate your friends and family about narcissistic manipulation tactics. Awareness is a potent weapon against gaslighting and false narratives. Brace for the smear campaign. It’s ugly and can be debilitating to some survivors. Prepare yourself and also share with your trusted support what they can expect. Finally, share resources and articles about narcissistic abuse to enlighten your loved ones. (See blog post titled: An Open Letter to Our Beacons of Support: Navigating the Journey of Support for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse).
3. Seek Professional Help: Coaching or Therapy
Coaching or therapy can be a transformative tool in healing from narcissistic abuse. A trained professional provides a safe space to process your experiences and develop coping strategies.
It is imperative to look for professionals experienced in trauma, coercive control, domestic violence and/or narcissistic abuse recovery.
I know you’re likely exhausted and somewhat disoriented, but there is a way to fight back. There is no need for confrontation or drama. As a matter of fact, it’s easier if you work quietly. The less engagement you have with the narcissist, the better. Now that you’re on to their tactics, you have the power not to play into their hands. By adopting these strategies you will once again rebuild your herd and your added layer of protection. Remember, you are not alone in this journey and you are worth fighting for. Together, we can dismantle the narcissist's web of manipulation and rebuild lives shattered by abuse. If you need support or guidance, please reach out. Together, we rise, empowering each other toward a future free from narcissistic abuse.
Sending you strength, light, and love,
Esther Moreno, M.S.
thrive@wilysurvivor
www.wilysurvivor.com